pet owner | Unmotherly Insights

Levi and Maggie

I can’t leave my house. I am trapped by my puppy. It’s not that she (an outrageously adorable black lab mix whose pregnant mommy was rescued off the reservation) is holding me here against my will. She was potty trained in two days. She goes in and out of her doggie door like a seasoned Mastiff. She doesn’t need me to let her out. She loves playing with the bunnies in the backyard when we’re gone. She does well on her own. It’s just that I can’t stand being away from her.

I am, for lack of a better word, puppy-whipped. Snuggling with her is like nothing I’ve ever felt. I’ve stopped running necessary errands, have curtailed my work meetings significantly, I’ve even ceased running to the grocery store and have allowed our food supply to dwindle to a hardened block of Jarlsberg cheese and a few rotten strawberries.

What is happening to me? Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t remember feeling this way about my boys when they were puppies…er…I mean, babies. I think I was so freaked out about every minute parenting detail that I could never relax long enough to enjoy my sweet little bundles of joy…or…sobbing, screaming, colicky newborns, as they happened to be.

The truth is, Maggie is a luscious little fur ball filled with nothing but love, cuddles and okay a few accidents in the house. But she doesn’t keep me up all night. She just curls into the chez at the foot of our bed and sleeps peacefully. She doesn’t have long, unending crying jags when she’s overtired. She just naps on my lap when she’s all tuckered out during the day. She doesn’t make me question my sanity by acting hungry every other second and then spitting up three quarters of her last feeding. She simply amuses me non-stop with her tail-chasing, bunny-hunting, peanut-butter licking antics.

What is not to love I ask you?

An Associated Press-Petside.com poll released Tuesday found that half of all American pet owners consider their pets as much a part of the family as any other person in the household. Um…what? As far as I can see, that is messed up. Really. Think about it. I know you love your pet. You would do anything for your pet. But value it as much as any other person in your household? That’s just not right. Cute_Pictures_21213

Hey, I had pets. I was one of those artsy single chicks with cats and I loved my animals. I remember scrounging up money for an EKG for Henry who we later learned had a bad heart condition. He also needed Prozac towards the end of his life (well how would you feel being a young virile male and knowing your life would soon come to a premature end?) And then there was the chemo we forked over for Katie. Martini, my dog, needed intensive psychological attention, home-made organic food, and a personal trainer to keep him sane and fit. I’m no stranger to loving your animals and treating them like members of the fam.

But when push comes to shove, please tell me all those people polled don’t actually consider their pets to be as important as their spouse or children. I mean the poll does say that more singles see their pets as family members than married folk. I guess that’s slightly comforting. The thing is, they’re still animals. I don’t get how people can overlook that rather obvious fact

The poll also said that most pet owners feed their animals human food, nearly half give their animals human names and almost a third let them sleep in a human bed. Can you say reality check? Listen, in many ways I’d love to have a pet. But I can barely manage a husband and two little boys. Sure, there’s a certain appeal to having an animal. They’re almost always kind, on your side, sympathetic. They don’t demand nearly as much attention as your children, and they don’t talk back. Big plus. But I implore you to remember that a pet is a pet and your family members (at least most of them) are humans. So in the event of a fire (or an earthquake if you’re still living in CA), let’s all consent to saving our offspring before venturing back into the flames for Fluffy. Agreed?